My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize