I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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