stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
