So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
