every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you traded sex for a burrito?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
