Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
