I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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