Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
