got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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