I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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