I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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