i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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