He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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