Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
