Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
