It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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