gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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