Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
