20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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