Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hippo gnu deer
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
