The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
