pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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