so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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