dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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