Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
