Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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