I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Randomize
