i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
