Say something about gay babies.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
