I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
