How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
