I hate your face
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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