I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize