it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Say something about gay babies.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
