Even the bartender felt bad for me
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
