I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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