just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize