i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
