took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
