Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
