i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
