I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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