Umm I'm too high to move.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
