You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
