and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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