my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
