I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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