if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
