You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
