I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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