My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
