Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You took a bar mat shot.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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