Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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