um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
