I feel great
I just peed on a car
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
how drunk are you?
Several
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
