Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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