So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
