It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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