She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
