So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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